Month: November 2015

Master Key Week 9 – Me becoming me

On Sunday night, when I was doing my last DMP read for the night, I grew numb about it suddenly. Up until then, I’d been thinking, This is so cool, and I am so crazy. But I believed I could do it: accomplish my DMP…live an extraordinary life!

And then…numbness. No feeling at all. I didn’t understand. It was just a sort of apathy: DMP…eh, bleh, maybe, I don’t know if this is actually what I want…So I dissected my feelings and found that I was doubting myself. I had been repeating to myself the quote “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never get there.”

I finally figured out why I had this apathy. It’s because my DMP is so awesome! But…it was so awesome I couldn’t even relate to it. It’s crazy! Absolutely crazy, and somewhere, somehow, I began to doubt myself. And the doubt didn’t show up as I can’t do this, I don’t think it’s even possible, that sort of thinking. It was I don’t know if this is really what I want. I mean, I’m only 17, can I plan my whole life now? Do I really want to do this? And of course, this line of thinking is because I know (or my subconscious knows) that I’ve been raised to know that there’s “no such word as ‘can’t'”. So the “I can’t” thinking would meet with total rebellion and utter annihilation.

Ugh. I’m so sneaky with myself. It’s annoying. But I guess I should celebrate? Because I’m finding out my weaknesses.

Anyway. I was doubting myself, and I responded with apathy because that’s what I’ve trained myself to do. It’s given me a somewhat happier life in the smaller things, but it’s apparently manifesting itself in something much bigger…which is not good!

Mom and Dad say we can’t go to the movie today? Darn. Well, make the best of the situation. Go play, forget about the movie, don’t want it anymore, because that will only make you miserable.

I can’t make a party because of a schedule conflict? Oh well, c’est la vie. Just enjoy the evening as best as you can, and don’t bother feeling sad about the party.

My father consistently reschedules his visits when I’ve been looking forward to them for a week or more? Don’t bother looking forward to his visits…don’t care, or I’ll just get hurt.

So, with this training of myself, is it any wonder that I’m apparently scared to death to look forward to my DMP’s manifestation? Is it any wonder that I’m already (subconsciously!) saying, “Don’t look forward to it, don’t anticipate it, don’t get your hopes set too high just in case it doesn’t happen? Just in case something goes wrong?”

Now I must tell myself to buck up and hope. Hope hope hope and believe believe believe. This is my life! – not one incident, or even a series of incidences. I must feel about it the way I feel about a family reunion: I hope and pray and have such an intense longing for all of us cousins and my aunts and uncles and parents and grandma to be all together, and I KNOW it will eventually happen, one way or another. I just know. I need to translate that same faith and desire into my DMP.

Even when I discovered all of this, I was still having trouble with feeling. So I broke down my DMP for myself. First, I went through and read the phrases, asking myself after each one, “Can I do this?” Most of the answers were “Yes”. If I hesitated at all, I asked myself, “Can I learn to do this?” (And of course reminded myself of the quote, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right.”) Well, I know I can learn to do anything, so the answer was “Yes”. “All right, then once I’ve learned to do it, can I do it?” “Duh – yes!” After I got through my entire DMP that way, I went back to each phrase and asked, “Now that I can do this, am I willing to do this?” The answers were “Yes”. Excellent. Then I said, “Ok, so now that I’ve established that I can do these things and I am quite willing to do them…DO THEM!” And then I read my DMP out loud the way I was supposed to. There wasn’t a huge breakthrough in my enthusiasm…but the apathy was mostly gone, and it’s been much better ever since. (I also occasionally yell at myself the last sentence from my week 5 post: “However we tell our story is the way it will be!!!!“)

A couple of webinars ago, Mark mentioned something that really struck me. He told us to see things from our future self’s perspective. I’m sure we’ve all heard the quote “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. Well, this week I’ve changed that up a little to “Be the person you wish to become”. I’ve been asking myself how my future self would react to various situations/people I encounter, and how my future self would be. I remind myself that my future self only has the limitations I transfer to her (thank you again Mark for that wisdom!!!), so I make sure not to transfer uncertainty, fear, or negativity.

In sum, there haven’t been any huge “aha” moments this week…but certainly a couple of quiet discoveries and changes.

 

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Master Key Week 8 – Don’t worry (be negative), be happy

I’ve finally made it for 26 hours without dwelling on a negative thought for even a second. I’m very proud…and I’ve also recently started over. Progress is happening 🙂

I was doing pretty well with the mental diet on Wednesday, but then I had trouble with one of my piano pieces. It’s one of the two pieces I’ll be playing for college auditions, and I had spent about 20 minutes going through and working on different sections that needed improvement. When I played through the entire piece, only a couple of sections showed improvement. I was SO frustrated! I began freaking out. I have auditions in 2 months – 2 months! – and this is terrible! Arrghhhh!!!!!! After I had gotten away from the piano and cooled down a bit, I figured that since I had already dwelt on a negative thought, I might as well go back to it and attempt to correct it. As I mentioned above, I have two pieces that I’m preparing for college auditions. The other one is going quite well – I love it, it’s memorized, and coming along quite nicely. The one I was having trouble with is also memorized…it’s just a longer piece; a work in progress. (It’s by Beethoven…he’s usually troublesome 😉 ) After considering this, I had an “aha” moment: I’m halfway there. Two months away…I’m halfway there. It just needs some more work, the other one is coming well…the glass isn’t half empty – it’s half full. Of course, it helped a great deal when I had my piano lesson the next day and my playing was improved – it just took a little time for all that practice to sink in. The point is, though, that I completely changed my perspective by focusing on the positive instead of the negative. (It was very relaxing, too!)

Also – we were supposed to unplug all the TVs in our house and eliminate any other distractions. Well, I didn’t unplug our two TVs, but since I hardly watch any TV, watching no TV has been super easy. On the call on Sunday, I deleted the standard computer card games of Solitaire, Free cell, Spider Solitaire, and Hearts, as well as Minesweeper. They’re now hanging out in my Recycle Bin. I didn’t think they were very distracting, but when Mark emphasized being fully present in everything we do…I realised that I should delete them. Usually when I’m watching a video or on a call, one of those games is up – I’m still paying attention to whatever I’m listening to, but it gives my hands a little extra occupation. And I’ve found myself sort of mindlessly going to play them for no reason…soooo, they’re gone now. I don’t really miss them, either!

Another thing I gave up was Youtube (except for a few minutes when I just had to show my mom a hilarious video). 😦 I looove watching funny videos, and music videos, and lyric videos, and listening to classical music and hearing the different interpretations of pieces, and…well, I’m sure you get the idea.

HOWEVER. I have been extremely efficient and effective with my use of time. I especially impressed myself because I was out all day on Monday and couldn’t get any school work done, yet I got caught up on Tuesday and am perfectly on track for this week. I also got my service done on Tuesday. SO proud of myself. Especially! because one of the phrases in my press release has come true this week – “When I work, I work and I’m extremely productive…” – it’s so exciting! I love it 🙂

 

Master Key Week 7 – Etc.

I’ve found that I really am subject to the “red pencil syndrome”. For example, last Saturday I took the SAT. I think I aced the essay part – which is HUGE, because I’d had a lot of trouble with that before – and the writing and critical reading parts, but the math gave me some trouble. I’d been focusing almost exclusively on the math, with a little bit of work on the essay, so I was really hoping that the math sections would go well. I still don’t know my scores, but afterwards I kept wanting to think “Well, I really hope I did well on the math, because the writing/essay portion doesn’t really matter because colleges don’t look at that part.” Negative much? That was my old blueprint trying to come back after I was congratulating myself and having a huge internal celebration over the essay. In the test I was grinning after the essay part – and nobody smiles on the SAT. So I made sure to reinforce my success and tell myself that I did do a great job, that maybe the colleges didn’t look at the essay but you know what? – I succeeded after consistently failing, I overcame a huge obstacle, and that was BIG and it did matter. So there, old blueprint. Take that.

This week we’re supposed to have no negative thoughts, for 7 days in a row. Zero, zip, zilch, love (tennis)…actually that last one is great – corresponds to the scroll. Anytime we accept a negative thought, we are to immediately restart the 7 days. So far, the most I’ve made it without a restart is about 6 hours. Oh well. It’s a process. I was doing fairly well until I went on a college visit and…completely failed. Lol. But I am finding myself having fewer opinions even than last week, which is great. I caught myself today having no opinion where before I had many. Progress.

I feel rather “quote-ish” today, so here you go…

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. ~Thomas Alva Edison

(I’m sure this sounds completely unfamiliar to my fellow Master Key students, right? 😉 )

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

You must have long-range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short-range failures. ~Charles C. Noble

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. ~Douglas MacArthur

To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable! – Ludwig van Beethoven

(For any musicians who read this, take the quote as it is; for non-musicians, insert “make” for the first “play”, “live” for the second “play”, and “mistake” for “wrong note”)

Master Key Week 6 – Self Discovery, etc.

This week we got to move on to the second scroll in “The Greatest Salesman in the World”. I love this scroll! – which appropriate, since I love the scroll that’s all about love. It reminds me a lot of 1 Corinthians 13.

“If I have no other qualities [than love] I can succeed with love alone. Without it I will fail though I possess all the knowledge and skills of the world.” Og Mandino
“If I speak the languages of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so that I can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-2

I have also discovered something about myself this week. I can be a devious, clever, sneaky procrastinator. Interesting. I didn’t recognise it until now, because, as I said, sneaky. And it’s subconscious. Allow me to detail the intricate workings of my mind…as least as far as I now understand: I enjoy being productive. If I consciously put off things that I need to do, I’ll get annoyed and make myself do them. So far, so good. BUT! There are some things that I don’t like to do. Now, if it were up to my good, conscientious, conscious brain, for the most part I would do those necessary things that I dislike. Somehow, though, it’s gotten into my subconscious. Let’s give my subconscious a voice for a minute. Hmm…Arielle really does not like to do this chore. So she shouldn’t do it, because she doesn’t like it and she won’t enjoy it and I won’t get those awesome happy peptides. But she needs to feel productive. Hmm…AHA. Let’s load up Arielle with lots of work…both the things that she enjoys, the things she’s “meh” about, and the things that she dislikes. Then, I’ll guide her to accomplish the tasks she enjoys and even the “meh” tasks and she’ll feel productive without having to do the things she dislikes. I get my happy peptides and we’re all happy. Plus, since I’m giving Arielle sooo much work, if Conscious Brain demands why she didn’t do the disliked chores, she’ll be able to honestly reply that she just didn’t have the time, and she’ll do them…next week…and of course, I’ll arrange it the same way next week. Wow. Brilliant, right? Kind of scary…what, that “I” know “myself” so well?…rather that I’m thinking this way and for awhile I had absolutely no idea!

I’m actually kind of impressed with myself, though. Not because I seem to be such an effective procrastinator (oxymoron right there lol), but because my subconscious has found a way to meet my needs and simultaneously evade stuff I don’t like. That’s really cool to me. I don’t think I would ever have come up with this consciously! So I guess now I have a bit more faith in the whole process of presenting a demand to the subconscious and letting it do the work.

Also, I’m having tons of fun working with my movie poster and the shapes!!! It’s so cool to actually be putting dates on the things that I want and planning them…plus pictures and everything!