On Sunday night, when I was doing my last DMP read for the night, I grew numb about it suddenly. Up until then, I’d been thinking, This is so cool, and I am so crazy. But I believed I could do it: accomplish my DMP…live an extraordinary life!
And then…numbness. No feeling at all. I didn’t understand. It was just a sort of apathy: DMP…eh, bleh, maybe, I don’t know if this is actually what I want…So I dissected my feelings and found that I was doubting myself. I had been repeating to myself the quote “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never get there.”
I finally figured out why I had this apathy. It’s because my DMP is so awesome! But…it was so awesome I couldn’t even relate to it. It’s crazy! Absolutely crazy, and somewhere, somehow, I began to doubt myself. And the doubt didn’t show up as I can’t do this, I don’t think it’s even possible, that sort of thinking. It was I don’t know if this is really what I want. I mean, I’m only 17, can I plan my whole life now? Do I really want to do this? And of course, this line of thinking is because I know (or my subconscious knows) that I’ve been raised to know that there’s “no such word as ‘can’t'”. So the “I can’t” thinking would meet with total rebellion and utter annihilation.
Ugh. I’m so sneaky with myself. It’s annoying. But I guess I should celebrate? Because I’m finding out my weaknesses.
Anyway. I was doubting myself, and I responded with apathy because that’s what I’ve trained myself to do. It’s given me a somewhat happier life in the smaller things, but it’s apparently manifesting itself in something much bigger…which is not good!
Mom and Dad say we can’t go to the movie today? Darn. Well, make the best of the situation. Go play, forget about the movie, don’t want it anymore, because that will only make you miserable.
I can’t make a party because of a schedule conflict? Oh well, c’est la vie. Just enjoy the evening as best as you can, and don’t bother feeling sad about the party.
My father consistently reschedules his visits when I’ve been looking forward to them for a week or more? Don’t bother looking forward to his visits…don’t care, or I’ll just get hurt.
So, with this training of myself, is it any wonder that I’m apparently scared to death to look forward to my DMP’s manifestation? Is it any wonder that I’m already (subconsciously!) saying, “Don’t look forward to it, don’t anticipate it, don’t get your hopes set too high just in case it doesn’t happen? Just in case something goes wrong?”
Now I must tell myself to buck up and hope. Hope hope hope and believe believe believe. This is my life! – not one incident, or even a series of incidences. I must feel about it the way I feel about a family reunion: I hope and pray and have such an intense longing for all of us cousins and my aunts and uncles and parents and grandma to be all together, and I KNOW it will eventually happen, one way or another. I just know. I need to translate that same faith and desire into my DMP.
Even when I discovered all of this, I was still having trouble with feeling. So I broke down my DMP for myself. First, I went through and read the phrases, asking myself after each one, “Can I do this?” Most of the answers were “Yes”. If I hesitated at all, I asked myself, “Can I learn to do this?” (And of course reminded myself of the quote, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right.”) Well, I know I can learn to do anything, so the answer was “Yes”. “All right, then once I’ve learned to do it, can I do it?” “Duh – yes!” After I got through my entire DMP that way, I went back to each phrase and asked, “Now that I can do this, am I willing to do this?” The answers were “Yes”. Excellent. Then I said, “Ok, so now that I’ve established that I can do these things and I am quite willing to do them…DO THEM!” And then I read my DMP out loud the way I was supposed to. There wasn’t a huge breakthrough in my enthusiasm…but the apathy was mostly gone, and it’s been much better ever since. (I also occasionally yell at myself the last sentence from my week 5 post: “However we tell our story is the way it will be!!!!“)
A couple of webinars ago, Mark mentioned something that really struck me. He told us to see things from our future self’s perspective. I’m sure we’ve all heard the quote “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. Well, this week I’ve changed that up a little to “Be the person you wish to become”. I’ve been asking myself how my future self would react to various situations/people I encounter, and how my future self would be. I remind myself that my future self only has the limitations I transfer to her (thank you again Mark for that wisdom!!!), so I make sure not to transfer uncertainty, fear, or negativity.
In sum, there haven’t been any huge “aha” moments this week…but certainly a couple of quiet discoveries and changes.